It seems to be that the irony of what gives me happiness is that those very things grow less and less likely to repeat themselves as each day passes. Or even if the situation lends itself to repetition, when and how and my reaction to it is just unpredictable. Wouldn't it be great if whenever the mood dictates a certain feeling or moment I want to relive, the memory or the experience is there at my beck and call?
But perhaps that's what they call human nature. The fact that something is rare or impossible, makes one long for it more, think of it with greater fondness, and crave it with deeper passion.
Young P has signed the papers to transfer to Washington DC Apr 16, to be closer to his gf. Even though I'd known since I'd found out about the potential move that he was likely to be successful, somehow hearing it confirmed... there's the feeling of finality there. We've been coworkers for a little more than a year only, and only really talked in the last 5 months or so while we were on client site together. But we can't ignore that additional angle of emotion, the feeling that something is going to be lost. Maybe me more than him because this is just another example of how ppl enter and change my life, and how I pine after them when they leave, and judging from past experience, how we'll sooner or later settle into a strange kind of friendship based on MSN msgs and blog entries.
At lunch on Thurs at Canoe, coworker and I were talking abt how we started together and now that we've had some time to settle into our jobs and now know what is expected of us, it's given us more time to think of ourselves and what directions in life we want to take. Coworker explained how he grew up in the same city, went to uni with a bunch of friends, then moved to TO with another bunch of friends. Essentially, his point was that he played it safe all the way. Now that he's gotten an idea of what it feels like to be part of the nation's workforce, he's thinking that if there's any good time to break out of the box and try something new, it would be now.
I understand where he's coming from, and a small part of me feels the same way. Perhaps that's why I strive to try different things at work or play all the time, trying to find the groove that suits me best. But on the opposite end, is the feeling of wanting things to stay as they are....
I was organizing my music and came across the soundtracks for the few Final Fantasy games I played. Technically I cheated because Bro played it first, then helped me out with the harder parts. The memories of searching the Internet for walkthroughs and guides, and waiting for the slow computer to load the graphics (we played using an emulator then, not a Playstation)! Then I started counting back and realized, this year'll be the 10th anniversary for FF7 and 8th for FF8. These were the only two editions that had PC versions created -- back then, it was for Win 98 / Win ME. Even playing it a few years later on Win XP required a patch or two. A few days ago, Microsoft Vista went on sale. What are the chances that there'll be a patch to make these two games compatible with Vista? Again, the feeling that I'm losing something as time moves forward relentlessly.
It made me think of one of the scenes in the FF8 storyline. Cliche in places it may be, but it does have its moments. For those unfamiliar, the main character, Squall, has frequent dreams where he is another man called Laguna. In this scene that I cannot shake (probably because it even has a theme song, 'Fragments of Memories') from my mind, Laguna wakes up in a guestroom in a small cottage in a sleepy but peaceful village. There is a small girl, Ellone of about 5 years old and a woman, Raine who had taken care of him, and it is clear that they all regard each other warmly. Laguna's old war buddy comes to visit, and they talk abt old times. Then Laguna, a chronic wanderer/restless spirit, suddenly talks about how he hopes he'll still be in the same bed when he wakes up, in the same cottage and in the same village, living with the girl and the woman...and his war buddy makes an observation that he's changed.
Maybe it's human nature to always secretly want what you've been taught to ignore and overcome. Such as moving every 5 years when I was growing up, being told and knowing also that it's a part of life, but still hating every single time I had to readjust my life. Such as going relatively further than most ppl for studies abroad, and then pursuing a job overseas and now starting to build a career -- but in the corner of my mind, wondering how things would've turned out if I'd rejected independence and like my coworker, played it safe by going with the crowd. Would I be happier?
I want to come home and see Bro playing his computer games, Mom cooking, Sis full of the day's events at school, Dad watching TV. On weekends, to go watch movies or eat with friends. To wake up each day and go where I know ppl welcome me. To be 18 again and spend all my free time texting collegemates, hanging out with the TV on, walking aimlessly in the malls and talking about nothing of importance at all. To be 16 again, spending hours after-school looking at the new books that the library just procured, having lunch with Meru-chan and the others before going to tuition/additional classes, pseudo-arguing on the phone with TMY and opining on the short stories he wrote. To be 13 again, sitting next to Sit and asking for her help with homework, reading Lik's 'serialized' short stories written in an exercise book. To be 10 again, and during holidays, to go to Grandma's house and walk in the garden, looking at the new additions; or to potter around the kitchen, helping her and aunts with preparing the daily meals or the season's festive delicacies. To be 8 again and catch the small fish in the drains and bike around the neighbourhood in small races, to play carefree during recess, to have snackfoods bought at roadside stalls while waiting for the bus to arrive. To be 6 again, preciously collecting the books given as birthday presents and rewards, reading them again and again.
In the series Cowboy Bebop, Faye Valentine is an amnesiac character 'defrosted' from a cryogenic state. As the series progresses, little clues of her previous life emerge -- one development in the subplot was when she receives a Beta videotape: in the timeframe when the series is set, videotapes were no longer in existence. Spike and Jet endeavor to find a player but in a mishap, they pick up a VHS video player instead (Beta's are smaller). But then fate steps in and a Beta player is mysteriously delivered shortly. When watching the tape, she realizes that it was filmed by herself, when she was a teen, and it contained a message to 'the adult Faye'. Desperate to find out her past, she tracks down the location from the visual clues in the tape, but in the end, she chickens out of returning to her previous life and decides that she would rather stay with Spike and Jet in her 'new life', calling the past something that shouldn't be dwelled in.
The reminder of technology obsoletion notwithstanding, somehow, it feels like she's got the correct answer to living life... Just like the characters in Honey and Clover, ppl are brought together by similar motivations, opinions and / or circumstances; but they then have to branch out to find the best path for themselves . To limit oneself just based on other ppl's actions is to constantly try to guess what others will do and in the end, conform to others as opposed to doing what's the right thing for oneself.
Again, it's obvious what's to be done, but I can't help feeling that melancholy that I wish I could just compartmentalize and put away: the sooner I accept the way life is, the less conflicted I'd be feeling.
